


You Make My Heart Shake Bend and Break (and My Head Fuckin Hurt)

by sozmom



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fluff with a side helping of angst, Jealous!Raphael, M/M, THESE NERDS ARE SO IN LOVE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 21:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6440398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sozmom/pseuds/sozmom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Any chance I could ask for a jealous Raphael who is very tired of his Simon spending his time with the Shadowhunters? -babylonqaf</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Make My Heart Shake Bend and Break (and My Head Fuckin Hurt)

Raphael knows he needs to be patient with the fledgling. Knows that if he wants him to stick around he needs to give him a reason to. But it’s not like Simon ever makes it easy. Raphael thinks he purposely messes up, purposely rambles through half of his training sessions, he purposely gets on Raphael’s nerves.  


Which isn’t hard to do but with Simon it’s different. He annoys the shit out of Raphael but the dumbass has gotten under his skin at the same time. Raphael _worries_ about him when he leaves on ‘walks’. He actually listens to his rambles. Goddammit he didn’t absolutely eviscerate the twerp for ruining his jackets. If it had been anyone else Raphael would have given them a hard time. But Simon’s different for some reason. He makes Raphael think differently.  


What an asshole.  


xxxx  


“Where are you going” Raphael asks after their training session. He tries to sound casual but Simon’s got that look on his face. That look is the ‘Clary just texted me’ look.  Raphael knows it all too well.  


“I’m headin’ out, I’ll be back before sunrise I promise and I wont start war with the Clave and blah blah blah blah. Y'know the speech by now” Simon says dismissively, eyes still glued to his phone.  


“You should stick around. We _are_ your family now” Raphael says, biting back  'and not those shadowhunters’. Simon gives him a tight lipped smile. “Sorry, duty calls”.  


Raphael pretends he’s not as hurt by that as he is.  


Simon goes as always. He makes it back before sunrise, as always. He’s considerably more haggard than he when he left, as always. Raphael says nothing to him …. as always.  


xxxx  


“Liked the way you handled yourself in this negotiation,  stick around”  


“I’m ambassador to the werewolves it’s very .. time consuming”  


“Let me take that burden off your shoulders, as of now you’ve been recalled. You’re adviser to the interim chapter president”  


Simon looks as if he’s going to start an argument.  


“Don’t complain. My new adviser has to stay here”  


“It’s okay” Simon says to Clary. “Just go. Really”  


“Thank you” The shadowhunter says, placing a kiss on Simon’s cheek. 

Raphael feels odd, like someone is poking him in the gut, he tries to push the feeling down, now is really not the time. “ _Both_ of you”.  


Then she’s gone but Simon is still there. For some reason it doesn’t feel as right as Raphael imagined it would.  


“That was unnecessary” Simon says the moment he’s sure Clary’s gone.  


“Keeps you out of Shadowhunter business” Raphael replies with a shrug, trying not to be too defensive.  


“No, it keeps you out of the Claves eye” Simon throws back before running from the room.  


Raphael lets out a pained sigh. Dios he was getting no where with the fledgling.  


xxxx  


It’s one of the rare nights Simon sticks around and actually fulfills his duties as adviser to the interim chapter president. Mostly he argues with him on the decisions he’s making before Raphael sends him away. He can almost hear Magnus laughing at his failed attempts to make Simon accept his new life. Every time he feels like he’s making progress it always ends up being a dead end.  


But rare nights like these happen. Where Simon isn’t exactly quiet but he’s not arguing with him on every single detail. He mostly just accompanies Raphael on whatever business he has to attend to, prattling away the whole while about mundane pop culture. Raphael knows for a fact that Simon thinks he doesn’t listen but he stores away the knowledge for later.  


“.. and then there’s what I think is the best scene in the movie. I mean most people would argue it’s the float scene but I will defend Cameron destroying the car until I die…. well I technically already did that since I’m already dead but still!”  


This is the third movie Simon has described that night. He says he’s educating Raphael on the ways of 'John Hughes’. It starts because Raphael had briefly mentioned seeing Breakfast Club and it spiraled from there. So far he’s gotten a 'Simon Synopsis’ on Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles, now he’s on Ferris Beullers Day Off.  


Simon gets cut off in the middle of describing 'the most unnecessary yet greatest chase scene in any teen movie ever’ by the door of Raphael’s study being blown open. Lily comes with a bleeding Henry sagging against her. Raphael’s up like a shot, panic flooding him but he tries to stay calm.  


“What happened?” He asks as he slips an arm under Henry, gently helping the younger vampire over to one of the gold couches. The blood is going to stain but Raphael doesn’t care. One of his own has been hurt.  


“Demon attack” Lily says, her mouth is set in a thin line. Her eyes never leave Henry’s form. Henry is one of the younger vampires in their clan. Maybe a decade older than Simon.  


“Patrolling…  


came out of no where….  


held it off…  


I …” He was clearly struggling to get the words out, hand clutched to his side where the blood was most prominent.  


*Shhhh, it’s okay" Raphael hushes him, tenderly pushing his tawny hair out of his face. Henry gives him a weak smile. He knows tonight might be his last. Raphael’s not going to let that happen. He’s not Camille. He can make this right. 

“Lily get him to the infirmary, see what Leonard can do for him. Go fast we might not have much time I….” Raphael finds himself being cut off by Henry’s hand gripping his shoulder. “You know as well as I brother, that I wont make it through the night. Please just let me go peacefully, not being prodded by a doctor” Raphael’s heart breaks at the words but he knows Henry’s right. For someone so young he had always been wise.  


“No there’s got to be something we can do. We can call the shadowhunters or … or Magnus. We can’t just give up!” Its the first time Simon’s spoken since the others arrival.  


“Shadowhunters rarely …… care for downworlders in need fl-fledgling. And I’m… I’m too far gone for even …..  Magic to save me” Henry bites out clearly in pain.  


Raphael grips his hand, feeling useless. How could Camille do this? How could Camille turn off her emotions while one of her own died before her eyes? Raphael doesn’t think this would ever not hurt. He supposes that’s where they differ as leaders.  


“Raphael.. I never regained the ability … to..pray. Could you…for me” Henry chokes out, he’s starting to look more and more grey as time goes on. Raphael swallows the lump in his throat, grips both of Henry’s hands and says the first prayer that comes to mind.  


_“Dios te salve, Maria._  
 _Llena eres de gracia:_  
 _El Seńor es contigo._  
 _Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres._  
 _Y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre:_  
 _Jesús._  
 _Santa María, Madre de Dios,_  
 _ruega por nosotros pecadores,_  
 _ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte._  
 _Amén.”_  


“Amen” The younger vampire echos back before he stills completely.  
Silence descents not only in the room but in the hotel. Raphael knows everyone in the clan is feeling the loss just as badly as he is. Some have described it as having all the breath stolen from their lungs. Raphael’s always found it to be a stab in his heart.  


xxxx  


“Does it always feel like that?” Simon will ask later, after they’ve burned Henry’s body.  


“Everytime” Raphael replies, there’s no point lying to him.  Simon becomes uncharacteristically quiet.  They’re in one of the common areas, Simon is standing by the fireplace, worrying his lip. Raphael watches him from his place on the couch. He’s not going to be able to go into his study without feeling an ache in his heart for a while.  


“The sun’s rising you should sleep” Raphael says eventually, when the silence becomes too much to handle.  


“Can I .. can I stay with you a little longer?” Simon asks, he looks so vunerable in that moment. Raphael can’t help but soften at the words. “Of course” He says and Simon moves to sit next to him on the couch.  


They sit like that, together, for a very long time. Thigh pressed against thigh. They’re not saying anything but the silence isn’t as heavy as before.  A burden shared is a burden halfed  


xxxx  


“So Clary has asked me to be her date to Alec and Lydia’s wedding” Simon blurts out.  


Raphael is checking blood stocks, making sure they have enough for the upcoming month. He glances up from his work, tries to ignore the seed of jealousy that’s grown in his stomach. Since Henry’s passing things have changed between them. Simon sticks around a hell of a lot more. He starts talking to more clan members than just Raphael. He’s starting to embrace his new life. And Raphael is trying very hard not to be too happy at this. He can’t show favoritism but it doesn’t help that he’s caught feelings for the fledgling.  


Simon and his stupid face and stupider mega watt smile. His totally-not-endearing rambles and mannerisms. Magnus has been teasing him mercilessly about it. On one night the warlock encourages him to “just go for it before it’s too late”. His friend gets a look in his eye as he says this that speaks volumes on how he’s feeling. Magnus then proceeds to get shit faced and falls asleep on Raphael’s shoulder mumbling about 'stupid blue-eyed ridiculously gorgeous archers’.  


Raphael does not 'just go for it’ instead he boxes up the feelings and shoves them in a corner, hoping that over time they’ll be forgotten. Because there’s no way Simon feels the same.  


“So for the wedding I kind of need a suit” Simon’s nervously playing with the hem of shirt. It rides up a little exposing a small bit of flesh. Raphael can’t seem to form words he’s too enraptured by that small sliver of pale skin.  


“So.. I uh was wondering if I could borrow one of your suits. I wont ruin it or anything I promise!” Simon swears and though Raphael would give the fledgling anything he wanted if he batted his eyelids enough Raphael’s not about to let _him_ know that.  


“What in the name of god makes you think I let you borrow one of my suits. Don’t you already have a  personal vendetta against my jackets?” Simon splutters at Raphael’s accusation.  


“I do not have a personal vendetta against any of your clothing! C'mon Raphael I can’t show up to a wedding in jeans and t-shirt. I’m already gonna stick out with the whole vampire thing” Simon pleads. His eyes are getting ridiculously puppy like and Raphael is very close to cracking. 

“Yeah well you’re the one who wants to go to a shadowhunter wedding, not my problem” Raphael shrugs, leaning back smugly in his chair. Simon’s face goes from cute and pleading to devilish in seconds. “Oh but it is your problem. You’re my leader. Anything I do falls back on you and do you really want the vampires to be represented as disrespectful. Sloppy. Uncaring. And at one of the biggest shadowhunter weddings of the year?”  


Simon is pinning him with his stare and Raphael has to physically stop himself from squirming. He lets silence hang for a moment, leveling Simon with his own cool look. He breaks the mexican stand-off vibe when he can’t help but crack a smile.  


“I’m not gonna say I’m proud of you but I _am_ impressed”  


Simon blinks in confusion before he cracks his own smile. “So I can borrow one of your suits?” He asks. “Yeah but one scratch fledgling and you wont be able to talk your way out of what I have in store” Raphael threatens. Simon salutes him with an “aye aye captain”  


What a fucking nerd.  


xxxx  


Raphael picks out a suit for Simon that would definitely fit him. Raphael’s a little shorter than he is so it takes a while but eventually he finds what he needs.  


It’s a blue two piece that he pairs with a black shirt. He lets Simon have some privacy to try it on however then a shadowhunter shows up and it’s not the annoying redhead.  


He doesn’t get a chance to see Simon until just before he leaves for the wedding. And Dios Raphael is a _good christian_ but his thoughts are anything but holy when he sees Simon wearing his suit.  


It fits well and compliments his features. He’s even styled his hair in the most adorable way.  


Raphael’s never looked at someone and thought they were adorable before. 

Apparently Simon Lewis is an exception.  


“So what do you think?” Simon asks, doing a little spin to show off. “You look great” Raphael replies, very glad vampires can’t blush. Simon looks startled but pleased at Raphael’s comment. It’s a look Raphael would like to see more often.  


“You think Clary will like it?” The fledgling asks, smoothing down the blazer, because of course this is all for Clary. “She’ll love it” Raphael grits out, he wants to say other things, meaner things but he knows they all stem from jealousy.  


The bright smile Simon flashes him almost makes up for the bitterness he feels.  


Almost.  


xxxx  


“Raphael! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!” Simon yells the moment he returns to the hotel.  


Raphael sighs and puts down his book, this should be good.  


xxxx  


“….so essentially it was like the graduate all over again except y'know two dudes but still it was magical” Simon finishes, his eyes are alight and he’s going a mile a minute but Raphael would happily watch him describe anything with that much enthusiasm even if it was something completely dull like taxes.  


“Magnus always was a sucker for grand gestures of love” Raphael says, he can’t help but smile fondly. He hopes the next time he sees the warlock he might finally be free of the sadness that had clung to him for the past few weeks.  


Raphael gets drawn out of his thoughts by the feeling of being watched. He looks over to Simon who’s look at him in a way that definitely makes him squirm.  


“Y'know.. I um, the whole kissing thing it got me thinking..” Simon glances at Raphael’s lips in a way that is _very_ obvious.  


“That can’t be good” Raphael chokes out because this can’t be happening right now. Simon can’t be looking at him like.. like he wants him. That’s not how this works.  


Simon shoots him a glare but moves closer none the less. “It got me thinking about … well us”  


“Us” Raphael parrots back. He’s frozen in place now and his brain has gone on vacation because Simon is moving gradually forward, eyes never leaving him. 

Raphael swallows hard. This isn’t happening. He’s going to wake up any second because this can’t be happening.  


“Yeah..” Simon says and Raphael can feel his breath on his face.  


“..Us” and with a single swoop Simon’s lips crash into his. Raphael sees stars, but that’s mostly because Simon bashed his head against Raphael’s in an attempt to be romantic. 

He makes it up to him later. 

When the room stops spinning. 

**Author's Note:**

> First Raphael P.O.V fic. Hyyype.  
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed thank you to babylonqaf for the prompt.  
> If you wanna send me a prompt head over to my tumblr @bathildahotshot and leave me a message or just comment your prompt underneath any of my fics.


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